Seeking: One Husband For My Ego

My culture is drunk on weddings. It was something that I despised when I became old enough for the matronly mamas at social events to start asking me whether I had managed to snag a potential husband yet. Young ladies were expected to be married off at a very specific age, and the sooner one was able to pull off that feat, the more accolades she could acquire as personal trophies. What one did with those invisible trophies was anyone’s guess because I always had this sneaky suspicion they weren’t keeping anyone warm at night. It was obvious to me that the ring on my finger wouldn’t soothe my upset late at night when I was unhappy if I had only pursued it to prove a point to gossiping busybodies. At some point I started despising the Olympic-style competition for weddings so much that I became averse to the idea of dating at all. There were moments in my life that when a man crossed my imaginary boundaries in pursuit of dating me, I would have severe panic attacks. This also led to toxic relationships that I would only allow because I always subconsciously knew that the relationships would never lead to marriage. It was a self defeating cycle, one that I am genuinely relieved to be able to say I am breaking free from. To this day when in serious conversations about things that break my heart, people mistakenly, albeit with good intentions, slap the ol’ “we need to find you a boyfriend” bandaid on the whole thing. I am always taken aback because in essence they are saying that a love interest will fix all the things have been incredibly grievous to me in my human experience. Sure, I am not averse to love, but I am, and will always be, vehemently opposed to finding love for all the wrong reasons.

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Author: ebonyandcrows

Hello and welcome to my page~ My name is Larisa--a very common Slavic name that was either derived from the Latin word hilaris, meaning "cheerful," or from the Greek city of Larissa, meaning "strong fortress." Born in Ukraine, I emigrated with my family to America when I was still a small child and now make my home in the beautiful Pacific Northwest. Growing up immersed in two vastly differing cultures led me to have a burning curiosity about people all over the world. Stemming from said curiosity, I have fallen in love with traveling to other countries, meeting new people and delving into their culture, exploring new cities, and of course, dining on the local cuisine! If I cannot escape into a different country, then my next favorite method of adventure is to lose myself in a spectacular book. I enjoy books of all genres--from fiction and novels, to biographies and ethnographies. As long as it captures my fancy and holds me spellbound the entire time, I will burn through the book like a forest fire! Because of this penchant for reading and travel, coupled with my love of deep and mysterious things, I have been often called a dreamer and I find the title suits me. With that being said, I invite you to stay a while, perhaps make yourself a cup of tea and linger through my posts and feel free to comment or share a thought :-)

93 thoughts on “Seeking: One Husband For My Ego”

  1. Good for you, and for having for the conviction of your own feelings and thoughts. I agree with your points and can only imagine the frustration of those conversations. Social conventions can be a mystery at times and are usually best steered well clear of 😅.

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    1. Thank you! ☺️ It was a difficult thing for me to go through, a lot of the times I was confused. Naturally, I wanted to fall in love just like anyone else, but at the same time, I was terrified of commitment. Anyway, the surest way for me to completely reject something is to try and force it on me, regardless of what it is.

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      1. That explains it then :). You began early enough to be able to master it equally well. There’s a special period when our brains are most able to learn languages before the age of 5 or so. That’s a cool thing to have :), gives you quite a unique voice.

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  3. Well this is a bunch of truth!
    The ‘bandaid of love’ is a terrible myth that does more harm than good. We all know of people looking for happiness in relationships never finding it as they aren’t happy within themselves.
    And self love is where it has to all start.

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    1. Yes, exactly. I have met plenty of serial daters in my life that are simply unable to cope with life if they do not have a relationship they can lean on. And I completely understand their panic, too. Being alone and uncertain can strip you to your bones. Sometimes, the person we are most afraid of is our own selves, and being alone exposes all of our weakness in glaring reality.

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    1. You’re most welcome. I honestly think that all cultures are fundamentally the same at their core because we all can relate to the human experience. I used to be so surprised when someone from a completely different part of the world related almost intimately to the experiences I’ve had to deal with. Now, I expect it. Definitely more power, strength, and clarity for all of us!

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  5. “I am always taken aback because in essence they are saying that a love interest will fix all the things have been incredibly grievous to me in my human experience.” As someone who has heard the same, albeit with girlfriend instead of boyfriend, I too wonder if people realize the implication of that suggestion. If only it were that simple haha!

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    1. Seriously! It sometimes makes me wonder if I am simply overthinking things–but then no, if I’m not doing okay for some very specific reasons, then adding a relationship into that mix will only confuse things further.

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  6. I think that they conflate love for social stability and it’s based on their perspective from their generation. I think it’s best to stay single as long as it takes in order to establish a strong sense of self before considering spending the rest of your life with someone else. Now, enough of my mumbo jumbo, I’m going back to stare at that photo 😍

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    1. Hahaha! You always make me laugh! It wasn’t mumbo jumbo at all, Rob, but you know that. You are very much spot on, and my parents fall into this category. They respect my strong sense of what I intuitively feel is right, but they will also continue to worry about me as long as I remain unmarried. My mom likes to reassure me that I will get married for sure haha! I don’t even respond to her texts like that anymore because I have come to realize that she sends these messages as a way to reassure herself probably more-so than me.

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  7. “My culture is drunk on weddings.” …. Larisa. What a line. What a Molotov cocktail of a line to start this piece. So powerful. In the first few words you fully command the space and all the air in the room recedes and goes quiet. For here is a woman about to share something personal and challenging that is ingrained into a culture that surrounds so much of who she is as a person, as a woman. Culture, family and expectations are so closely interwoven. That first line prepares us for brutal truths that become beautiful testaments to character. Loved this even though my heart frowned knowing you felt such immense pressure to do and be something that went against your heart. Your conviction is commendable and even enviable, Larisa. 📝🗝💌

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    1. What a beautiful comment! That was a pleasure to read, thank you.

      There is something about a line that packs a punch, I love it so. I love that you touched upon it because there are so many explosive emotions of mine wrapped up in that line. Believe me, I used to envy people who had the freedom to choose who and when they wanted to date (or not), as I always felt I was put on a timeline that I never chose and it would stress me out something fierce. Many battles and heartache later, I feel that my culture and I are finally coming to an understanding of each other.

      I appreciate your kind words and support, April (inserting a heart here, I am on a computer with no emojis.) I feel that all of us have some innate lines that bring out the warrior in us when they are repeatedly crossed. You just gotta always gather the courage.

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  8. I took a longgggg while and it worked out incredibly well for Megan and I. I spent five years single, and I thought it might stay that way. I’m thankful to learn you are in no rush to find ‘love’ for all the wrong reasons. Congrats on that mindset.

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    1. Wow, I am so happy to hear that! I love those kinds of stories, they’re full of hope, contentment, and satisfaction. I guess one can argue that contentment and satisfaction are two sides of the same coin, but I rest my case. There are some days that I too think I’m just going to remain alone, lol. I just completely abhor the idea of shackling myself into a relationship that appeases others insatiable curiosity or need to follow rules of a bygone generation.

      I appreciate your comment and support, Matt, it means a lot to me!

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  9. It is partly a generational difference isn’t it, that idea that getting married will solve everything. When actually, getting married to the wrong person is an error that can shape and affect the happiness of the rest of your life. It’s so much more important to know yourself and have a chance to discover what you want for yourself.
    Keep resisting the pressure Larisa!

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    1. Most definitely, Rachel! Yes and yes, but people often are unable to see the future consequences in their immediate and overwhelming loneliness or feelings of panic at being “left behind” in a belief that promotes a very specific mold. That was terrifying to even me too, but I was more terrified of the consequences lol. One can say I was caught between a rock and a hard place.

      Plus, I was always mad that the formulaic equations applied to something like love essentially stripped all mystery, adventure, and enchantment out of the whole experience.

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      1. I love the way you think – it would be easy to ‘settle’ in order to assuage some loneliness or the expectations of others. But, you then run the risk of losing the opportunity for that heart-stopping romance or discovery of a soul-mate. Great post Larisa ❤️.

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        1. Thank you! Smiling big over here 😁 My experiences highlighted what love is and isn’t, and that in order for love to truly flourish, it must be given the ultimate freedom. Freedom from everything—expectations, fears, judgement of others, blah blah. And to nurture that kind of love in a relationship means to consistently love your partner in a way that they feel free and not stifled. Sigh. We are so apt to bungle it up all the time though.

          Thank you again, Rachel. Xoxo

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  12. I’ve had many proposals but I’ve never said yes. I have just as much anxiety on it especially with the divorce rate being so severe in America. But now that I’m the age I’m at it does make for lonely days. And I’m not interested in cheap relationships or sex.

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  14. Couldn’t agree with you more.

    I really find it so callous and disrespectful when people think that women NEED to find a man, husband, and HAVE to have a baby at a certain age. I mean, if that’s how they think, fine but please stop shoving it in people’s faces.

    Life is so precious, let’s take our time to find ourselves first and enjoy ourselves in the process. ❤

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    1. Yes! It’s like we are all living on someone else’s designs for our life, but since everyone is following that same pattern, who is orchestrating the rules? For whom are we doing it all for? It’s hard being a radical but it’s worth it in the end.

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  15. Wise words. I can well relate to the frustration about trying to adhere to these social conventions, and the damage they can cause to a person who might be better suited to a different path. It amounts to bullying, more or less, despite all good intentions behind it. When my engagement collapsed last year, my mother insisted I was in the wrong, my father lamented that I would never find anyone else, my married friends just danced around the subject. But I knew it was making me unhappy, and no amount of argument from others could convince me I was wrong about my own feelings (it did create a lot of self-doubt though). Doesn’t stop them trying.
    Anyhow, that was a bit of a ramble, I just meant to say, stay strong. It sounds like you know yourself well, and that is I think the most important asset to possess in ‘the game’.

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    1. Feel free to ramble ☺️ I’ve actually encountered comments similar to yours, believe it or not. “If so and so proposes and you say no, don’t count on other proposals pouring in.” Umm..yeah that’s exactly the point, lol. Relationships can happen anywhere, at any time. They just can’t be forced.

      You know yourself well too, so bravo on you!

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  16. I appreciate you sharing this perspective. It’s not only refreshing to read, but a good reminder for me to be vigilant in my discussions with others, lest I unthinkingly say to them the words that society has poured into our mouths. I reject society reducing our identities to 1/2 of a relationship, and it’s emboldening to hear your thoughts.

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    1. Thank you! Your comment was also very refreshing to read. Yes, it’s an odd thing that people mistakenly pity people who are single and almost subconsciously rush them into relationships. There are more consequences to being in a relationship than there are to being single. Honestly, I’ve just read too many books in my life and I believe that they were a large factor in my not being able to blindly conform to my cultures expectations of me.

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        1. I hate being alone. It’s lonely and can be confusing, but despite all that, I still won’t settle into a relationship for any reason other than healthy, mutual love and respect for one another. (In a nutshell.)

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  21. Larisa, this is an incredible post. It’s awesome to know that you aren’t conforming to the comfort of the mind “to fit in” with the rest of society. You are following your soul and understanding the love you contain each and everyday. I know you will continue to be aware of that love in yourself as you peel back layers of your ego which have been engrained in you since you were young! You are the light, let it shine! 😁🙌❤️

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                    1. Rob I keep replying to you on my own blog and the comments are disappearing and reappearing on this post at random 😩 One of them is at the very bottom, and the other one is..who on earth knows.

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  23. We are alike here.
    In fact I have zero plans to marry. If I choose to love someone for my whole life I can do it without a ceremony or a piece of paper holding me to it.
    Thank goodness marriage and love aren’t synonymous 😉

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  24. The final sentence was a great way to end it. It left me in so much thought of agreeance. The pursuit of love is filled with ups and downs that create the adventure, and to skip it all for the ending would be a waste. Some are lucky to find their love early in life, and some are lucky to live through all the bumps and realize that it wasn’t all in vain.

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    1. I can’t help but feel that one wouldn’t appreciate love with all its delicate nuances and intricacies if one finds it very early in life without experiencing anything else that life has to offer. We, as humans, have this tendency to take things for granted.

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        1. Yeah, I’m making a broad generalization based on my own history of taking things for granted until I didn’t have them anymore. But it has made me appreciate the things I acquire with a depth that I didn’t have before I encountered the struggles life throws.

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  25. I hear ya! It’s the same in India, and in so many cultures across the world. I relate to you in your stance on the whole idea of marriage being a woman’s “destiny and happy ever after”. No one cares what happens ‘after’ as long as one has crossed the “happily ever…” threshold!

    P.S. It’s strange and appealing how your posts didn’t show up on my feed! I was under the impression you’re taking a break from blogging! There’s so much to catch up with. Hope you’re well, Larisa! Much love!

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    1. Yes, you nailed it! I think I’ve stopped being so surprised at how similar cultures from all over the world are to each other. It has already proven to me many times over that we are all more alike than we are different. I too always wondered why people got so hung up on that “happily ever..” threshold, when all the real stuff happens behind the scenes beyond all the glitz and glamour.

      I am not sure why my posts are not showing up in the reader—to be quite honest, I have also been wondering if everyone else is also taking a break because it seems my reader isn’t as busy as it used to be. I actually deleted my blog (for good), but in the 30 day window that I still had before it completely deleted, a few concerned bloggers reached out to me and it persuaded me to come back. And I am so glad I did. I wonder if that episode tinkered with my settings… anyway, the love is definitely reciprocated! Xoxo

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      1. You said it! Reality lies behind the scenes indeed!

        I panicked when I read that you had deleted your blog! I’m sure I must be more glad than you that you’re back and blogging. Being deprived of your writing would be a terrible, lamentable loss! I hope you are well.

        I think unfollowing and following again might help with the settings, so I’ll try doing that. Have a wonderful day!

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    1. Thank you Andrew. The more I navigate life and the treacherous curves I unexpectedly come up against, the more I realize how important it is to love and be loved for all the right reasons. I feel like it is such an incredibly delicate and fragile force, that at the same time is also as strong and wild as a raging fire, and it deserves the utmost respect and care. In the end, love is truly the force that prevails above all else.

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  29. Reblogged this on Notes and commented:
    “finding love for all the wrong reasons”

    And I have been seeking those “wrong” reasons like a thirsty animal. After I have figured out all those wrong ones, I know figuring right together with someone will be far easier. For now, let’s keep rolling our dices 😍💖

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  30. You just inspired me to reblog it on my own blog. I have a request/question; Have you ever thought of narrating all the wrong reasons to finding love in a blog post that your heart and soul have felt deeply?

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    1. Thank you for the reblog! I am glad it resonated with you.

      As for finding love for the wrong reasons–in my case, it was a bit different. I only ever allowed myself to enter a relationship if I knew deep down that it would never lead to marriage because of how deeply upset I was at my culture and church for how they approach/force marriage. So I had a toxic relationship with relationships, ironically. It was awful because even when the relationship was good, I knew that my significant other was wrong for me (for different reasons) and so I always had one foot out the door, ready to run, and it always ended up tearing me apart in more ways than one. Complicated doesn’t even begin to describe it.

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      1. wow… have you written on this subject in detail somewhere on your own blog or do you plan on doing it? I’m definitely interested in knowing more about your adventures into relationships and the lessons you learned. 🌹

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        1. I am so flattered by your interest on my take on and experiences in relationships, thank you. I hadn’t considered writing anything about it beyond the article that I already had written, but I may write something more about love and relationships one day if I find myself in the correct mood for it. I have been absentee from my blog lately as I’ve really needed to be present in my real life, but perhaps one day soon I’ll write a piece on love.

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